For one thing, I'm still getting used to the idea of being in charge. While I would much rather be the one in charge than the one not in charge, in a lot of ways I still sometimes struggle with the idea. I think in an ideal world I would rather the relationship be one of split-leadership, but between my spouse's personality and his upbringing it's just not happening right now. Which is fine, because it's still better for me, a feminist, than trying to be with someone who's personality and upbringing makes them a take-charge no-holds-barred leader.
I guess partly I'm afraid of turning into a nag, since that is often the stereotype used to demean women who have leadership in their relationship. And while I will grant you that nagging happens, I don't think it's fair to equate female leadership with a nag. But then, I'm particularly sensitive about that, since I was accused of being a nag as a teenager and have been trying to buck off that label ever since.
I think the biggest struggle for me is the fact that in public my leadership rarely is noticed or appreciated. In public questions are directed at my husband, he's usually the one with money on his card (I'm between jobs, and recently diagnosed PRP which is just so much fun), and his hobbies and interests connect him to more people than mine do (which means in most of the social situations we appear at, people assume he has somewhat of a position of leadership in our relationship). While this last one kind of makes sense to me, it still irks me sometimes that people assume that since I'm the female and he's the male I'm the passive and he's the dominant one. I'm the follower, he's the leader. I'm the hands, he's the head. Blech.
The other struggle for me has been the question of gratitude. I know, I know, always be grateful to and for your spouse. But as a female that has been socialized as an American woman, it's really tricky to navigate the waters of feminism and spousal gratitude. For instance, how many woman have you heard saying things like, "I was so grateful that he cooked dinner for me!" or "he was so sweet, he picked up the kids for me." And it's not just full-time housewives that are saying these things. I've heard them out of the mouths of working professionals. The struggle for me is that I don't want him to be getting the message, however subtle and underlying, that these things are "my jobs" and he's just "helping me out" once in a while or whenever he feels like it. These things are our responsibilities, and even if I am better at them, it's utterly ridiculous for me to be the one responsible for cooking or childcare or cleaning. What if, God forbid, something were to happen to one of us? The other needs to be able to take over anything and everything. To me, that is one flesh, when you both can at least competently handle any essential household task. There is no excuse for one of you being unable to pay bills, balance a checkbook, cook pasta, change a flat tire, or run a load of laundry.
And just so none of you think that I married someone who can't do these things, I didn't (not that dumb). But I still struggle with letting go sometimes, letting him do things that I can do better because a), I can't do everything, I'd get worn down, and b), he needs to be competent at everything, which means actually engaging in the chores with me (or instead of me). So (since I'm the leader for now) I try my best to delegate fairly, rotate chores between us, and remind myself that in a year it won't matter if the shirt was hung a different way than I hang it and it wrinkled. What matters is that we did it together, as a team. And that is what I need to remember to be a good leader; it's about making us the best, tightest, most cohesive, harmonious, loving team, a team where we can both fully express ourselves and our relationship to each other. A tall order, but one well worth pursuing.
